Endings

Caring for everyone involved when a parent leaves your household

I had to drive her to her mum's with the baby in the car and leave her there without her baby. I think it was the hardest thing I ever did.

Foster Carer

There’s nothing more rewarding than when a parent leaves our home with their child, having flourished into a more confident, capable parent. Yet even in this positive scenario, many carers worry that the lack of ongoing support can make parents very vulnerable and sometimes put children at risk.

When a placement ends with the parent and child being separated, it’s very hard for everyone involved. Feelings of sadness, frustration, anger and even guilt are really common, and this is something which particularly seems to affect our children. Whatever the ending, how can we best care for everyone involved: the parent and child, ourselves and our families?

Look after yourself. Endings can be really hard for you and your family. Make sure you talk to other people who understand what you’re feeling. You might find it helpful to join the Fostering Hope closed Facebook group where everyone is a parent and child foster carer.

Parents leaving care need the same preparation as other care leavers in terms of independence skills such as budgeting, cooking, shopping and washing.

It can be very isolating leaving care with a child, and many foster carers continue their support informally after the parent has left. This will depend on the relationship and is a personal decision, but part of the preparation to leave is helping the parent to build a strong support network. This includes looking at her existing relationships and helping her to work out who she can rely on, who she wants around her child and who she needs to distance herself from. Tools like the button activity in the Learning Zone can be helpful for this.

Groups like baby massage, baby signing and sensory play at local Children’s Centres, churches and other community groups are a good way for parents to make new friends in similar circumstances.

When a placement ends in separation, the ending can be abrupt, often after a court hearing. If separation is a possibility, we need to be considering this throughout the placement, however well we feel the parent is doing.

From day one, photos and snippets of film taken on a smart phone are really important whatever the outcome. They can be put in an album or baby book, and if you find out that the plan is for separation, you can make up two books (or three if it is appropriate for the other parent). Another idea if you or a friend can sew is to make something out of the parent’s clothes for baby and vice versa.

One of the hardest things about a separation is that there is very little support for these parents after the baby is removed, despite what the judge recommends in the family court. This can lead to a sad cycle where grief-stricken mothers turn back to coping mechanisms which make them vulnerable to further pregnancies and where their babies are removed earlier and earlier (for further reading on this visit the Learning Zone). It may be possible for you to advocate for the recommended therapeutic support for a mother leaving your care and you may be able to find local support from community or faith groups.

For mothers who have had more than one separation, Pause is an excellent project available in some areas which offers women a supportive programme of self-development for around 18 months whilst committing to a long acting contraception. For any mother, discussions about contraception are important.

Your own children will need time to talk and express how they feel and may benefit from talking to your supervising social worker if they have a good relationship with them. Other fostered children may be really shaken by separations as this can remind them of their own separation from parents and the circumstances around that.

Looking for helpful links, films, and tools for reflection?

Go to the learning zone