Supporting fathers and couples
Effectively involving fathers in parent-and-child arrangements
Scientific studies suggest that fathers are just as tuned into their babies as mothers. For example, men's hearts race as fast as women's when they hear a baby scream, and fathers can recognise their own infants, blindfold, just by touching their hands - after only an hour spent cuddling them.
In general, children do better when they have a relationship with both parents. Children’s Services have a tendency to focus only on mothers when it comes to parenting, and fathers can feel excluded from the system and redundant in their role as a parent.
Many of the mothers in our care will have ongoing relationships with their babies’ fathers, whether or not they still see themselves as a couple. Of course there are exceptions, but for the vast majority of babies and children, encouraging fathers to be as involved as they can will only be good for the child’s long-term development.
So what can you do to help?
Unless there are safeguarding reasons why a child should not see their father, if he wants to have a relationship with the child, think with your social worker about how you can encourage or facilitate this. Remember, when the mother moves into independence in the community, her network will be important, and children have a right to know both parents. Everyone’s situation is different, but here are a few ideas:
- If possible, offer your home as a place the dad can visit mum and baby. If the only time a baby gets to see her dad is out in a shopping centre or other public place, she will probably spend most of the time in a buggy, and there will be less opportunity for things which promote bonding, like cuddling and talking to the baby. It will also make the couple more likely to meet in environments which may not be positive, like the houses of friends whose risk is unknown. There will need some boundaries around this, and it should discussed at the placement planning meeting. Whatever is agreed at the beginning, it's worth remembering that the situation may change as the placement progresses, so it's important to be open to new ways of promoting baby’s relationship with her dad if this is what the parents are asking for.
- If you are around dad when he is interacting with his baby, the same applies as for mothers. He may not be used to babies, and have had only negative role models, so modelling positive interactions, and giving encouraging feedback when he interacts with baby will build his confidence as it does for the mum.
- If the child only sees her dad for contact, and you have no interaction with him, you can still help build the relationship by talking positively about him to the baby. If the parents have got an antagonistic relationship and mum speaks negatively about dad in front of the baby, you can try exploring how this may affect her as she grows up. You may also suggest to the mum that she writes down things like baby's first words, and take photos and videos to show dad at contact.
- If the dad is a perpetrator of domestic abuse, but is saying he wants to change, there are groups to help. Although your priority is to help the mum to keep her baby safe and have enough understanding to keep herself safe in the future, the dad may well continue to see his child. Getting the right help at this point may protect other women in the future as well as this child, so as part of the team of professionals around the family, this is something you could suggest.
Some local authorities take the view that it is more realistic to assess a mum alongside the dad, and place both parents in foster care. This is most appropriate where you yourselves are fostering as a couple. It can be very rewarding; many young couples have never seen a healthy relationship in action and can learn from you just by living in the same house. At the same time very challenging!
It is really important at the placement planning meeting to be absolutely clear about how the placement will work
- How much can parents decide who is looking after the baby and when? Can they go out independently as long as one of them is with the baby, or are there more defined expectations?
- How much privacy do you give the couple? For example, if the baby is crying in the night and they do not seem to be responding, can you go inside the room?
It tends to work best when the dad had something else to do and the parents had breaks from each other. Spending 24 hours together would be challenging for any relationship, and this is especially true when living in someone else’s house and being assessed. For one fostering couple who helped develop this website, the foster dad gave the baby’s dad some work experience in his building firm. Another helped the dad to get involved in their church’s music group.
Although less common, dads can also be placed in foster care with a child, normally for a parenting assessment. There is a common myth out there that men are less capable when it comes to caring for a baby. In fact, research has shown that, given the same support as mothers, fathers are just as sensitive to baby’s needs and responsive in meeting them.
- In the vlog section, foster carer Phil talks about his experience of fostering a father.
- Most of the guidance in this website equally applies to mothers and fathers. Dads may struggle with their mental health, need help learning practical skills, and need some time out for themselves. The Dad info website has an excellent section for single dads, with the opportunity to connect for support with other single dads.