Supporting attachment and 'good enough parenting'
How a supportive relationship with a trusted adult can make all the difference
The way she spoke to me, like "just hold her nice and close when you're feeding her ... see, she loves looking at you" made me feel like I could do it. Most things I do now (with second baby), is because of her.
Whatever their circumstances, it is likely that most pregnant women and parents in foster care have had troubled childhoods, with histories of abuse or neglect and with difficult attachments themselves. They may never have had an adult in their lives who is encouraging and supportive. They may have seen little or no role-modelling of good parenting.
Whether they are a teenager from care, or an older mother struggling with issues such as domestic abuse, drug use or having had previous children removed, many parents in care feel stigmatised and defensive.
Having a supportive relationship with an adult who is interested in how they are feeling, listens sensitively and builds confidence and self-esteem can be enough of an experience of attachment to make a difference to how these women and men see their babies and see themselves as parents.
- Research has shown that parents who have a good relationship with their baby before birth have babies with better attachment - who grow into children who develop better in all areas. Things like talking and singing to the ‘bump’ help the parents to make this bond.
- After birth, encouraging the parents to have lots of skin-to-skin and eye contact with the baby is really important. Things like singing and reading, or even just talking to a baby may not be part of a parent’s experience. Role modelling this will help parents to see it as normal and beneficial to baby and makes them feel good too.
- The Health Visitor is a great source of support and information. It should be a priority to help a parent who has moved into your area to register with a GP and quickly meet their named health visitor.
- There are some excellent films and resources from the Association for Infant Mental Health (AIMH) to share with parents to help them understand why bonding before birth is so important.
If a pregnant woman or mother in your care:
- is expressing difficult feelings towards her baby, either before or after birth
- had a particularly difficult relationship with her own mother
- suffers from a mental health disorder
there are a number of therapeutic interventions which will also help.
Services are different depending on where you live, but you can encourage the mother to speak to her Health Visitor or contact your local maternity services or community mental health manager to find out about what is available and referral processes.
In addition, groups like Mellow Bumps and Circle of Security Parenting can be very helpful. These groups help parents recognise and respond to their babies’ attachment needs, and understand their own feelings towards their babies. Visit the Learning Zone to find out more.
Probably the hardest thing about parent-and-child fostering is deciding when to step in and when to step back when it comes to good enough parenting. Our goal is for the parent to develop safe care and confidence in their way of parenting, not force them to do things our way.
Here’s how we can help:
- Role modelling. Talking, singing, reading, getting down on the floor. Remember people learn more by what we do than what we say. They may never have seen adults communicating with babies before.
- Lots of positive feedback. Notice positive interactions and comment on them. Examples given by foster carers include, "You really seem to know what he needs now." "Look how she’s looking at you – she loves all the eye contact you’re giving her." "You’re really helping her brain develop by playing with her like that."
- Use positive language when giving feedback. When we need to correct or challenge, using positive language rather than telling someone what to do is far more effective and respectful. Examples given by foster carers include, "Something I’ve found works for me is …" "I wonder if trying… might help." "The Health Visitor explained to me once that … I wonder if that would help?" Foster carers Vic, Phil and Trevor talk about the importance of language to encourage good parenting in The Learning Zone
- Help the parent access parents’ groups and parenting courses. The Health Visitor will be able to tell you about groups in your area. Going to groups like baby massage, baby signing and parenting courses will build a parent’s confidence and help them to make new friends in similar situations.