Positive Endings
Caring for everyone involved when a parent leaves your household
There’s nothing more rewarding than when parents leave our home with their child, having flourished into more confident, capable parents. Yet even in this positive scenario, most foster carers worry that the lack of ongoing support could make parents very vulnerable and sometimes put children at risk.
When a placement ends with the parent and child being separated, it’s very hard for everyone involved. Feelings of sadness, frustration, anger and even guilt are really common, and this is something which particularly seems to affect our children. Whatever the ending, how can we best care for everyone involved … the parent and child, ourselves and our families?
When parent and child move on together
Parents leaving care need the same preparation as other care leavers in terms of independence skills -budgeting, cooking, shopping, washing and so on. It can be very isolating leaving care with a child, and many foster carers continue their support informally after the parent has left. This will depend on the relationship and is a personal decision, but part of the preparation to leave is helping the parent to build a strong support network, including looking at her existing relationships and helping her to work out who she can rely on, who she wants around her child, and who she needs to distance herself from. (see the button activity below).
Groups like baby massage, baby signing and sensory play at local Children’s centres, churches and other community groups are a good way for parents to make new friends in similar circumstances.
When the placement ends with separation of the parent and child
When a placement ends in separation, the ending can be abrupt, often after a court hearing. If separation is a possibility, we need to be considering this throughout the placement, however well we feel the parent is doing.
From day one, photos and snippets of film are really important whatever the outcome. A parent whose baby is removed still carries parenthood as their identity, so by recording special moments, you are equipping them for the future come what may. Photos can be put in an album or baby book, and if you find out that the plan is for separation, you can make up two books. Another idea if you or a friend can sew is to make something out of the parent’s clothes for baby and vice versa.
One of the hardest things about a separation is that there is very little support for these parents after the baby is removed, despite what the judge recommends in the family court. This can lead to a sad cycle where grief-stricken mothers turn back to coping mechanisms which make them vulnerable to further pregnancies, and where their babies are removed earlier and earlier. It may be possible for you to advocate for the recommended therapeutic support for a mother leaving your care, and you may be able to find local support from community or faith groups. For mothers who have had more than one separation, Pause is an excellent project available in some areas which offers women a supportive programme of self-development for around 18 months whilst committing to a long acting contraception. For any mother, discussions about contraception are important.
Your own children will need time to talk and express how they feel and may benefit from talking to your supervising social worker if they have a good relationship with them. Other fostered children may be really shaken by separations as this can remind them of their own separation from parents and the circumstances around that.
You also need to look after yourself. Make sure you talk to other people who understand what you’re feeling. You might find it helpful to join the Fostering Hope closed Facebook group where everyone is a parent and child foster carer.
More Resources
The Centre for Child and Family Justice Research is a rich source of research and resources
Film from Lancaster University’s ‘vulnerable mothers and repeat care proceedings website’. In this short documentary, mothers who have been separated from their children share about their experiences
Vulnerable mothers and repeat care proceedings website
Giving Hope Project, Lancaster University
Personal Reflection / Ideas for group discussion
Individually or with peers, think about how you can help prepare parents to leave your home, either with or without their baby. Perhaps you can read about the ‘Hope Boxes’ above and think about how to use this idea in your own work. Perhaps you could try out the button activity with a friend then with a parent you are caring for.
The button activity
You will need a nice selection of buttons of different sizes, shapes and colours. Ask the parent to choose a button for each person they know and have anything to do with. This can be friends, family, professionals like leaving care workers or a support worker, and you as their foster carer. You can do the same. Next, you can both lay out your buttons in a way that shows how people relate to each other. So a mum and dad might be right next to each other, at opposite sides of the table, or not there at all. A ‘best friend’ might currently be in a cluster of other friends, and so on. Now you can both choose a button that represents you, and place that on the table in a position which reflects your present situation. The buttons may need to be moved around in relation to each other. If baby is already born, the parent can choose a button for the baby and place that too. You can suggest that he/she now thinks about when they move on from the foster placement. What will change? Which buttons would he/she like to be closer in and which should move further away? Which ones will disappear altogether? The point of this exercise is for personal reflection about which relationships are helpful and safe, and which are unhelpful, what has changed since coming into foster care, and which relationships will still be there. It is a good discussion opener in preparing a parent for their next step.