Supporting Attachment & ‘Good Enough Parenting’
How a supportive relationship with a trusted adult can make all the difference
Whatever their circumstances, it is likely that most pregnant women and parents in foster care have had troubled childhoods, with histories of abuse or neglect, and with difficult attachments themselves. They may never have had an adult in their lives who is encouraging and supportive, and seen little or no role-modelling of good parenting. Whether they are a teenager from care, or an older mother struggling with issues such as domestic abuse, drug misuse or having had previous children removed, many parents in care feel stigmatised and defensive.
Having a supportive relationship with an adult who is interested in how they are feeling, listens sensitively and builds confidence and self-esteem can be enough of an experience of attachment to make a difference to how parents then relate to their own children’s attachment needs.
Bonding before and after birth
After birth, encouraging the parents to have lots of skin-to-skin and eye contact with the baby is really important. Things like singing and reading, or even just talking to a baby may not be part of a parent’s experience, and role modelling this will help parents to see it as normal and beneficial to baby, and makes them feel good too.
The Health Visitor is a great source of support and information. It should be a priority to help a parent who has moved into your area to register with a GP and quickly meet their named health visitor.
Your role as a foster carer
Probably the hardest thing about parent-and-child fostering is deciding when to step in and when to step back when it comes to good enough parenting. Our goal is for the parent to develop safe care and confidence in their way of parenting, not force them to do things our way.
Here’s how we can help.
- Role modelling. Talking, singing, reading, getting down on the floor. Remember people learn more by what we do than what we say. They may never have seen adults communicating with babies before.
- Lots of positive feedback. Noticing positive interactions and commenting on them. Examples given by foster carers include ‘You really seem to know what he needs now.’ ‘Look how she’s looking at you – she loves all the eye contact you’re giving her.’ ‘You’re really helping her brain develop by playing with her like that.’ Try to provide a positive commentary of things you are noticing.
- When we need to correct or challenge, using positive language rather than telling someone what to do is far more effective and respectful. Examples given by foster carers include ‘Something I’ve found works for me is …’. ‘I wonder if trying … might help’. ‘The Health Visitor explained to me once that … I wonder if that would help?’
- Help her to access parents’ groups and parenting courses. The Health Visitor will be able to tell you about groups in your area. Going to groups like baby massage, baby signing and parenting courses will build a parent’s confidence and help them to make new friends in similar situations.
Accessing additional support
If a pregnant woman or mother in your care is expressing difficult feelings towards her baby, either before or after birth, or if she had a particularly difficult relationship with her own mother, or if she suffers from a mental health disorder, there are a number of therapeutic interventions which will also help. Services are different depending on where you live, but you can encourage the mother to speak to her Health Visitor, or contact your local maternity services or community mental health manager to find out about what is available and referral processes.
In addition, groups like Mellow Parenting and Circle of Security Parenting which help parents to recognise and respond to their babies’ attachment needs, and understand their own feelings towards their babies, can be very helpful.
Personal Reflection / Ideas for group discussion
What groups are there in my area to help parents with difficult stories parent their own children more effectively?
Do I know about the perinatal parent-infant mental health services in my area, and how to refer someone?
How do I find a Health Visitor in my area?
As an agency or local authority, how proactive are we in helping parents access the most help they can to do the best job they can? Is there anything we can do to change this?