Supporting parents from abusive relationships
Understanding the risks and how you can support
Risks to women and children
84% of victims of domestic abuse are female. On average, every week in England and Wales, 2 women are killed by their partner or ex-partner and around 3 women commit suicide as a result of domestic abuse. Pregnancy is a risk factor for domestic abuse; 20% of women in the support organisation Refuge’s services are pregnant or have recently given birth. Domestic abuse during pregnancy puts both a pregnant woman and her unborn child in danger, increasing the risk of miscarriage, infection, premature birth, low birth weight and stillbirth.
Men abuse their partners because they believe they have the right to do so. Their controlling behaviour makes it very difficult for women to leave the relationship, and sometimes to recognize that the abusive behaviour is not normal. Many women fear for their children’s safety if they leave the relationship, and because their confidence has been so undermined, worry that they will not cope without their partner. There are some fantastic organizations which support women in abusive relationships, with helplines, support groups and refuges.
Domestic abuse and PAC foster care
Mothers we care for may have come from an abusive relationship which is seen to present significant harm to her child. She may have been given the choice of coming to foster care or having her child removed, or she may have asked for help to get away from her partner. Normally a pregnant woman or mother seeking help would be supported to find a place in a women’s refuge, so mothers placed in foster care will usually have more complex needs which pose additional risks to her child or unborn baby.
How can we help?
Getting away from the perpetrator of domestic abuse is an important step to keeping a mother and baby safe. She may even be able to break off the relationship and show that she is capable of keeping her baby safe. But understanding why men abuse women and why women stay in these relationships will not happen by itself. We are all subject to beliefs engrained into us as we grow up and can come see a belief as a fact. Some beliefs about how men and women behave, if left unchallenged, put women at risk of future abusive relationships.
The Freedom Programme is a domestic violence programme which examines the roles played by attitudes and beliefs on the actions of abusive men and the responses of victims and survivors. The aim is to help them to make sense of and understand what has happened to them, instead of the whole experience just feeling like a horrible mess. The Freedom Programme also describes in detail how children are affected by being exposed to this kind of abuse and how their lives are improved when the abuse is removed. You will need to ask locally to find out what is available in your area.
VOICE (Victims Of Intimate Coercive Experience) is a psycho-educational programme looking at domestic abuse through an intersectional lens, whilst supporting victims to understand safely, their own trauma and responses, during the relationship as well as post separation.
Safe care for yourself and your family
If the mother is coming from an abusive relationship, you should have as much information as you can about the perpetrator to keep you and your household safe. Ask for a photo or physical description. Part of the agreement should be that the woman does not disclose your address to anyone. The consequences for doing this should be spelled out and agreed to in writing by the woman.
Caring for yourself
Women in all walks of life can be victims of domestic abuse. That means foster carers too. If you’ve read this section and realised you need help, you can contact the Freephone 24-hour National Domestic Violence Helpline Run in partnership between Women’s Aid & Refuge
0808 2000 247
Effect of domestic abuse on children
Children living in a home with a domestic abuser are also at risk. Between 2005 and 2015, 19 children in 12 families were killed by violent fathers who had been allowed to see them through formal and informal child contact arrangements. Though some children are unusually resilient, for most, the constant stress of witnessing an abusive relationship also puts children at risk of a range of physical, mental and behavioral problems.
Some effects on children are:
- Withdrawal
- Aggression or bullying
- Tantrums
- Vandalism
- Problems in school, truancy, speech problems, difficulties with learning
- Attention seeking
- Nightmares or insomnia
- Bed-wetting
- Anxiety, depression, fear of abandonment
- Feelings of inferiority
- Drug or alcohol abuse
- Eating disorders
- Constant colds, headaches, mouth ulcers, asthma, eczema
Personal Reflection / Ideas for group discussion
The Freedom Programme have produced a set of animated films to raise awareness and provide staff training for all different professional groups including the police and social workers. It includes a chapter on the effect of DV on children. You could request that your agency purchase this as part of their training package or watch some online with peers for group discussion.